Well, each section brings up it’s own shit. I see how restless my mind has gotten without the sadhana practice; forever trying to squirm out of where I’m at, trying to search for something better I could be doing. I should do the other meditation instead; no the other, no the other…
It used to be that I would just get fed up with staring at my resentments for the duration of sadhana. When I do sadhana at home, it get restless; I want to do other things. It’s like piling up ten books next to the bed to read before going to sleep. Yogi Bhajan said somewhere that people expect meditation to be constant bliss, but often it’s hell on earth.
The ego jumps in and decides maybe I should do 100 yoga sets in a row; THAT will fix me! I exaggerate, but only slightly.
This WordPress editor is really unreliable. Line breaks may or may not work. Google docs does the same thing. Whassup with that shit? Text editors are like the oldest software programs around now.
Gradual realization that there may be a birthday party for Nicole this eve, and how will I sleep, get up, see if Joy’s check will show up today or not.
The nice thing about Pilates is that it doesn’t require you to question whether you’re making any spiritual connection. You do the exercise; your body gets in better shape, you look better, you feel better. With yoga you have to give your faith a whirl. You can do the exercise and see what happens, but all the esoteric claims for all the sets are unprovable and could be utter horse-shit. I’ve become so cynical lately in every spiritual dimension of my life. Or maybe I’ve always been, but there was a limerence period with it when I bought, hook, line, and sinker, every claim YB made for every set. Eventually when life didn’t go my way, and the time spent doing prosperity sets seemed like it would be better applied to finding a decent job like a rational human being, the infatuation faded.
Shakti Pad. The Shakti Pad people. Disillusionment. Brilliant; build in a path around doubt to keep the fold in the cult.
Why do I see it as a cult? Why do I keep trying to fix my problems with it?